Against All Odds

Hey. I hope you’re doing well. I am so overworked and exhausted…I developed a migraine during the early morning hours yesterday. It was a bad one…so bad, in fact, I had to go get a shot – which knocked me out. Perhaps I needed forced rest? Who knows?

Along with the physical/mental exhaustion, I’ve been feeling down lately (if being honest). Seems so strange that I cannot communicate with you like two normal human beings do?! Every bit of communication (seemingly) must be hidden in plain site. Nothing direct – ever. I saw your comment on Sara’s post (and other ladies) and while I understand that you (possibly) use these post comments (from time to time) to communicate with me (or that’s what I’ve been lead to believe)…I still worry.

As I’ve told you MANY times – I want you to be safe, healthy and happy. I just hope that I’m truly the person to bring you that happiness? You obviously have a “type” when it comes to women which has manifest in your attractions across your lifetime. Why does that matter? Because I cannot be a Sara,
Gina, Anti-commie, Rep Anna, etc. I’m a boy – plain and simple…and a boy that’s nearly 60. All I can ever be is me. My only hope and prayer is that you are sure it’s me you want? Our life and times could be so special and wonderful but it could also be a disaster if you’re not truly attracted to me. For us to work, you’d need to love me more than all the beautiful ladies that you can certainly have if you want. Only that kind of sincere, deep love can keep the gorgeous, sexy ladies (and gents) away (or out) of our life and marriage.

I would ask you to think about this (if you haven’t) and search your heart (and your libido)…be sure it’s Poppy that you want to share your life with long before we hit the start button. I can’t help but believe we’re on the same page when I say that WE BOTH want a peaceful, loving home where we are utterly devoted to each other and our sons. We are aging fast and our time is short (at best). If two people are truly in love, there’s no room for anyone else. I sincerely believe that you love me and I trust you with my whole heart…and it should stay that way.

Most women reading this would ask me, “then WHY did you inject yourself into his current marriage?” Good question. For decades, I didn’t. As you know, I displayed nothing but respect for you, her and your marriage for many years. I was never inappropriate in any way. As you know well now, it was in MN (in 12/2009) that I had the epiphany about you and us. It was strong (and powerful) and because of that experience, I begin to look at you in a different light. It’s true, I feel terrible about her feelings even though she’s treated me really bad (at times) over the years but, yes, a part of me feels really bad for her – yet my love for you is so strong that I am drawn to you in a powerful way – thus, here we are today.

Lots of words and chatter but, bottom line, take time (if you haven’t) and be sure it’s Poppy you want to wake up with for the rest of your days. I want to feel loved, honored and respected each and every day and you will enjoy that exact energy and behavior from me. I want you to be 100% sure.

I love you.

Florida, circa late spring/summer 1998. One if the WORST weekends of my life. They say that people are NOT always who they seem and with regard to the two on the right, facts! This was only a year or so after you’d said “I do” and given this lady (and her whole family) great wealth and POWER OVER OTHERS – and she used it! Every small “slight” or grievance over many years were repaid!! She was always envious of Paula, me and anyone that she felt were smarter or had more advantages (family $) than her. She and this grinning, HATEFUL sister were given free reign to treat others any way they wanted – and they DID! At this point in her history – she felt famous, powerful and untouchable…and rather than draw closer to your dear friends and encourage them – she used that NEW POWER to berate, dominate and intimidate them (especially ME) whom she’s always had this bizarre love/hate relationship with. She treated your family that way too, particularly your mother. She and the hateful sister treated me so bad on this trip, I’ll simply never forget it. I kinda have PTSD to this day after that long weekend. Horrible.

Unfortunately, the greater world doesn’t know the person that I knew. To them, YOU (and me) are the bad ones…guilty of all kinds of unpardonable sins….and SHE (and this arrogant, hateful, social climbing sister) are the “good ones”…humble, “godly” women. The public has never heard this woman slam down keys or slam doors or yell “FUCK YOU, Brt!!!! Of course…we have. It was THIS trip that I referenced in my long post last year – it was when C yelled out at me, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!” She did this for absolutely no reason at all. I’d already been treated like dirt all weekend while these two held up in a luxury hotel room (that you paid for). I found myself sitting alone on the sofa while they gossiped in the master suite with the door closed. Later (late morning) when they finally came out into the living room/kitchen area to have coffee – they acted like I shouldn’t even be there. They seemed to resent me for even being there? It was terrible. I’ve never felt more alone IN THE PRESENCE of two other people?!! The cold shoulder and “silent treatment” were in full force. Awful experience and I’ve often wondered – how on EARTH does Brt live with this woman? How has he been around her since exiting the womb? SOOOO sad that he’s pinned all his hopes and dreams for a normal loving family on this mentally ill (sometimes hateful) woman.

When I look at this image and see it through your eyes – you’re looking at two people here that have been in your life for many years – me for 37+ and her since you could barely walk. No matter, each person has a very different heart and mind. Very different. One of these two love you unconditionally and dreams of a simple life filled with peace, joy and precious little feet running about the house. The other person seeks reparations for all your wrong deeds, full submission by you and, let’s not underestimate – total control over your wealth. If you look back over your life with her, it’s easy to see that you and your welfare were never really in her mind and heart. If it were, she would have learned how to cook for you at a minimum. There is NO doubt that in this image (if you love pussy), she is far more attractive than I’ll ever be but, know what?…as we live that last 1/4 or 1/3 of our lives, we know that there is something more wonderful than sex with a perfect or “super hot” person. The mind, heart and soul and far more attractive at 56 than a hot, perfect body will ever be. I wish her the best…health, love and long life but I never want to be in her orbit again.

I awakened this morning with you in my heart. I could feel you wherever you are. Literally. Seemed as if I could hear you breathing?!!! I asked father, “what is the message today?” The image above and two unique songs by Michael immediately came into my mind. Father and I are co-creators and when he speaks, I listen and take it from there.

First song is “they don’t care about us!” Of course, Michael was talking about Joo’s and regarding blacks – but listen closely to the lyrics and you can easily see why father put this song into my head.

This next song by Michael is, undoubtedly, inspired by father (from me to you) and so very true. Listen closely to EVERY WORD. Every word. If you want to see my full heart in lyrics – watch closely. It’s long…but watch all the way until the end. You’ll think the song is over but he speaks at the end.

Below, gaze upon images that tell the story very well…

It’s not too late…

I’m so grateful and excited that you expressed a desire…xo

I hope you’re having a nice day? Cloudy and drizzling here. I’m about to go to Lowe’s to get electrical switch plate covers, etc. Every day here is but one day closer to being with my Puppy Dawg. Keep me close…I’m always with there with you. I love you so much!! xo

Link to Carter’s video:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/4272427736355146

How could this little boy be any sweeter? He is SO intelligent and loves learning and everything about life! The end of the video is the best when he gives pancakes to baby brother. I think I see the future here?! *wink*

I hope you’ve had a nice day and I HOPE you didn’t eat a pre-made or frozen entree for dinner? NOOOOO – not for Puppy!

I was out today shopping for a few light fixtures that I’m still missing. I think I’m going to order them online which will delay the install a week but it is what it is, right? If it’s not raining too much next week, the guys will be working on the exterior paint work.

I just returned from dinner with Denese – we went to a local cafeteria. It’s a mom and pop and has been here since the early 70’s. It’s so yummy! Know what? The entire time, per typical, I was wondering if you’re having a healthy and delicious dinner too?! I had their meatloaf tonight with wonderful tomato sauce. Crazy good. It’s almost as good as MY meatloaf – which is delicious. Even those who aren’t fond of meatloaf seem to enjoy mine. Imma brag about it. hahaha. I can’t wait to make it for you. I think you realize how much pride I take in my cooking but what you may NOT know is – I loved the fact that you ENJOY good food so much. That made me happy. “salad ready?” “Yes, Puppy…salad is ready – an endless bowl is ready when YOU are!”

Get some rest and keep me close – you know!! I love you, honey. xo

Link:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1CBDe9k4Ez/?mibextid=wwXIfr

NOTE: if you haven’t, re-read my post here…lots of editing done after the initial post. Had to write it on my phone and the app is very difficult. xo

Hey, honey…

Hoping you’ve had a great day. One filled with PEACE in your heart that can ONLY come from knowing how much you are loved. Way out beyond what you’re living in today…beyond all those folks that surround you each day (I don’t think they know the Puppy I know?)…and the many that call themselves your fans – way out beyond all that, there’s YOU and ME and the sweetest, most authentic love. Know what comes from that kind of love? PEACE and REST. Soul rest.

In your most recent video (for Christine), you look so tired. Truly – soul tired. You shouldn’t be living in those conditions and feeling tense and stressed everyday. I worry about you. Your words about her, the OCD and how she treats you when you leave a door open (or whatever) – it’s breaks my heart. She’d be in a trailer someplace or, at best, a simple 3 bedroom cheap house if it weren’t for you and all you’ve sacrificed for the lavish lifestyle she lives each day (and has for decades). If I’m so blessed, when we’re together – if you ever leave a door open…know what? I’ll just quietly close it. It will be my pleasure. Do you have any idea how many times I closed the pantry doors behind you? In 2.5 months time – probably a hundred or more. You’d come in…go into the pantry to get something (a snack or supplement, etc) and then OUT you’d go – doors wide open. I was in the kitchen with my candle burning and music playing while working on our dinner. I’d simply close the doors and watch you as you walked away….off down the hall towards the garage or into the master suite of the house.

What’s the difference? The difference is – I love and adore you and I WANT to take care of you and make your life better…easier and more PEACEFUL. Simple. For me, it’s not a competition…I don’t feel the need to direct or control you. I want you to be at peace and able to rest your mind. I cannot imagine enjoying all the gifts you’ve given her? She takes it ALL for granted and has for years. She feels she is entitled to what you’ve earned. She literally told me in GB (back in ’98) that she “deserved” everything she was enjoying then. I was shocked she said that but, yep – she absolutely told me that one fall morning while sitting in the den on that white sectional. All I could say was “wow”. I’ve never forgotten her saying that. NO ONE has ever bought me a car…much less a $120K Cadillac or BMW. Somehow..some way, I’ve made it this far on my own. Who on earth would treat another person that way after all you’ve done for her?

When I saw your handsome face in that video and listened to your voice – once again, I just wanted to put my arms around you and love you. I wanted to say – come lay down with me, baby…let’s rest and just be together.

My gate was finally reconnected today a month later…then only to find out the remote control runs on a different wire – so the electrician will be back next week. Yikes. Seems never ending. We got the shutters installed yesterday and much of the construction junk hauled away by Peachtree Junk. Glad it’s gone. As noted, next week will be the installation of lighting fixtures, appliances, etc and the exterior painting of this house – after that, preparations to list it for sale. I am so tired, honey…send me some love and good wishes. I am so looking forward to some down time at the farm – simple, safe, peaceful and quiet. It could only be better if you were there with me.

Get some rest and keep me close, I’m right there in your heart. I’m always with you. I love you so much, B!!! Nite Nite. xo