“Goodbye my friend…”
Yesterday, mid-morning. Carson looking out the window as we left our long time home. His last time there.
Father God comforts in the most unbelievable ways. We were about halfway to the farm from ATL – what seemed to be his head arose out of the clouds looking upward towards heaven.
Just minutes before he passed.
No truer words could ever be spoken. Only those that have pets for children and live alone can comprehend the inseparable closeness we shared. I could not have loved him more if he was my own flesh.
Hey…
Carson passed away last night at 11:30 pm, cst. He was 15 years 3.5 months of absolute wonderfulness. My most prized possession. I’m so very grateful for every day…every moment. Not sure if it’s my own connection to the creator or what…but midway home to the farm from Atl, this cloud arose out of the sky directly out in front of us. ✨ I feel sorry for those that don’t believe the spiritual realm is real – for we know it is. This vision of him looking UP into the higher realms (heaven) is nothing less than astounding. It is not AI or photoshop or manipulated in any way. Absolutely no filter. I am broken hearted beyond belief but grateful to my very core for his precious companionship. He will forever own those years of my life. Pray for me as the stillness, sadness and grief feel unbearable today. He was my everything through all the horrible things that have happened over the past 15 years.
Brett,
It breaks my heart even further but I want you to know that I can’t do this anymore. I’ve reached out to you so many times – almost begging you to contact me in some real and personal way – yet nothing. What you don’t understand, perhaps, is that I love you more than anyone in my life yet I cannot bear to hurt another human being (her). Even if you did ever contact me and divorced her for me – I’m not sure I’d ever get over what I’d done to her? I love you….and I love Jesus. As for you and my love for you…the lack of real communication and being forced to read between the lines is literally killing me.
Is the cameo video real or fake? Did you request it yourself from a fake email account so you’d be able to make a video for me? Perhaps it IS real but if that’s the case, then the “review” is bogus and has no meaning or message for me. Was the quote I saw today on facebook actually by you or just some pajeet in India trying to get clicks? Is there a message in your X reposts for me? Perhaps not, “LOSER!” “Good Riddance!” and on and on. You suggest, “don’t read too much into things” then expect me to continue a multiyear emotional relationship on hopes and dreams and maybes. Truth? Truth is, it’s killing me. It’s destroying my mind. You could do better than this if you wanted to. I can’t believe you love me and yet subject me to this?
I risked IT ALL and LOST IT ALL for you on May 13, 2015….yet you won’t even risk creating a disappearing random phone number to text me or fake facebook account to send a message. BUT, know what? At some point and after years of exhausting overthinking – even if you do send me something, I probably won’t believe it ….and even if I did and it was real – it falls short of a warm hand to hold or real eyes to look into. The fact that I’m out here alone…ALONE all the time doesn’t seem to resinate with you?
In the end, it’s okay. I know you’re never going to divorce Deanna. I’m no fool. If I continue this, it would simply drag on and on to YOUR benefit while I fall asleep alone every night questioning everything I’ve seen and read. Of course, y’all will be out traveling the world and living it up anyway. Bottom line is, as much as it hurts me to NOT be with you, if I go, I can live out my days knowing that I haven’t broken someone else’s marriage. Make no mistake, my heart aches for you every day but, at some point, one has to jump before the plane (someone’s life and mind) crashes to the ground in flames. To continue onward with this unending guessing game and blatantly unreciprocated communication is certain death for me. I’d given this all I had from 2015 – 2019. I left to save myself in 2019 as you wouldn’t budge then either. I was gone for 6 years. I returned last April because of your PD dx. I wanted to be sure that you were okay. 18 months have passed but things continue onward exactly as they did in past years.
I hope you are happy with her and all of them. I’m thinking (in truth) you are. Perhaps still wanting the BIG cake and a cupcake too? Maybe two or three? I’m sorry…this no longer seems possible to me….surely not possible without hurting her and others. You are a strong conservative…even scheduled for an upcoming political rally soon in Waukesha. God knows you could never let others see me close around you! The personality construct you’ve built for yourself leaves no room for Poppy.
If you truly love me and sincerely feel you want to be with me, you know how to contact me. I changed the name of “poppy hoper” on facebook to “Carson Pace”. You will see his picture. You know my cell phone number and my long time email. You could always respond via Cameo direct message – I’ve messaged you there several times. I feel so sad and empty tonight – I wish I could have flown away with Carson. As I always say…no matter how our lives play out, never forget how much I love you. xo
