Hey, Puppy…
I hope you’ve had a nice day? Long one tonight. I’m struggling. I’m overcome with our reality now. Part of me wishes I’d never reached out to you again last year. It’s been some wonderful highs (of genuine hope) and many deep lows.
I’ve said many times, your life is very different than mine. Other than your health, which hopefully is being managed well, you seem to have very few worries? You enjoy the best of everything and live a life of leisure and have for years. While I’m happy for you, that’s 180 degrees from my experience – yet I’m very blessed. I have so much on my plate and have for decades. I’m truly tired.
No one on earth can motivate me to be my best and instill certainty (in me) that I can conquer the world…that I can literally do anything MORE than you can. It’s nothing more than my love for you and desire to be with you. That trumps everything and everyone.
Somehow I thought that you were going to surprise me during this holiday season with a real connection – a call or, at minimum, a direct note (someway)? Guess I was wrong. I’ve been confined to the shadows of your life like an outcast for years… not someone you sincerely love. I’ve had to communicate with you via “cryptic” posts for years and years. I’ve had to read between the lines and, many times, I got it wrong. I never get to see you….never get to talk to you….God forbid touch or hold you.
New years day really slammed me to the ground. I realized it was now 2026 and I’ve been communicating with you for 8 months (this time)….over 3 years prior to the 6 years of silence. One of the main reasons I had to leave was simply sparing my mental health. How can any loving human being hope to survive in this type of situation?
I took some time last evening to really think about things and the conclusion wasn’t good. Primary thought was – HOW can this happen? CAN it? WILL it? Is this truly possible less some dark or disastrous action? No. Truth is, I don’t want to hurt anyone but I’d surely prefer to cause the pain left by a divorce than something unspeakable.
During my thoughts, I was reviewing (mentally) all your posts since Thanksgiving and even back to April 8th when you posted those images of her head on your shoulder. Based on your posts, it’s most certainly NOT your intention to ask this lady for a divorce. You’re not very likely to walk away from her or $M’s of dollars and certainly not be open to being treated worse than you’ve ever been (by the public). Know what? I wouldn’t want you to either. I love you so much…the thought of you being trolled and verbally attacked 24/7 (beyond what you’ve already been) breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Also, as I’ve shared in the past, even though there’s bad blood between her and me, I don’t wish her any ill will or harm. What you and I know that she (or any woman) could never understand is that this was/is NOT meant in a personal way…not meant to hurt or be so brutal. I simply discovered my other half inside your eyes. I remembered who you are…who WE are. I fell deeply in love with you and haven’t been able to shake it since. For over 7 years now, I’ve tried to walk away and leave you alone – not disrupt your life with her or them.
When I read of your Parkinson’s dx, it awakened something in me. I was overcome with a sense of urgency. Somehow I knew I had to reach out and try once more….before it’s too late in this incarnation. I had to find out if you might be able to leave the old behind and start anew….even at this late hour? I cannot shake the nudge to bring our sons into this world either.
No matter, this past day has been tough. Why? Because when I looked back at the many images online and see the two of you together over many decades…then consider your journey to date – where does that leave Poppy? I’ll tell you…entirely and forever in the shadows and out of sight. Poppy is a fantasy, plain and simple. Can Poppy continue this perpetually? Would you even expect me to?
Puppy, you say that you love me and surely you wouldn’t want me to be sad. As you know well, I want to be with you more than anything and want to squeeze an entire adult lifespan into approx 20-25 years – if we’re blessed with health – but if we’re being truly honest with one another, can or will that ever happen? What are the chances? Surely you can appreciate that it doesn’t seem very likely.
You see….each night I climb into bed, turn out the lamp and ALWAYS think of you. Where are you? Are you in bed? Is your tummy full? If we were together, what would we do tomorrow? On and on.
Honey, can you tell me – how can this happen and is that your sincere intention? I hope you love me enough to be honest with me. The last thing I want to do is cause you grief or anxiety or bring troubles into your life. I only want good things for you, even if that means without me.
I want you to think on these things and somehow let me know if you sincerely plan for us to be together and soon (perhaps early summer)? Don’t feel any pressure to tell me what you may think I want to hear – the truth is always far better than fantasy. The sad reality is, if we cannot be together and perhaps later this year, I’ll need to move away from this experience. It’s the ONLY way I can survive and spare my mental health. I simply cannot go on loving you with such intensity and yet be denied a life and times with you.
Get some rest and always know that I’m right there in your heart. No matter how this goes, that’s were I live. I love you so much. Nite Nite. xo